|Cruiser takes a bow
Friday night marked the beginning of the long anticipated Unite Ride weekend. The opening ceremonies took place at Cruisers(AKA "Look at me I'm Cruiser and I can go fast"). The SJ Posse started rolling in to Cruisers place around 8:30. Cruiser set the ground rules immediately:
1. No peeing on the toilet seat(at which point Tucker announced that he squats when he pees)
2. No one eats more than 3 slices of pizza(at which point Cannonball went home to retrieve his wallet)
3. People whose names start with the letter "M" get firsts dibs on the women(at which point I went to the store to get supplies..i.e. pen, notepad, edible underwear)
4. Cruiser will pay for the pizza as long as you reimburse him with hair gel. (i.e. motor oil)
So with these rules set we started the party. This party had a life of its own, and his name was RIGID. He was the entertaining force of the night with his numerous comments about Hollywood("Man she is so hot!" , "Hey, come sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up" and "Does anyone have a squirt gun?") to his Ostrich squealing mating call of a laugh.
Everyone was trying to custom tune the 5 billion dollar entertainment
center that Cruiser had installed in his party den. Everyone watched
extreme mtb bike videos. After the first video was over, the DeVry
squad got together to monkey with Cruisers monster TV, coincidentally
Cruiser opened the gun vault and showed some folks his array of
assault rifles Öno one played with the TV after that. The party
was a huge success and we had about 40 in all.
United we stand
Saturday started out with a fog blanketing Columbus but that didn't dampen our spirits. We rolled to the trailhead just before noon(that's right we were early!) to a full parking lot of Spokejunkies. Everyone was getting geared up for the ride as people were still rolling in. Dirt Devil had the tunes blaring to set the mood. The parking lot overflowed with cars in both directions on the road for several hundred yards. We all assembled for a group picture and then divided up into groups before the assault on the trail. There had been some concern about trail conditions causing several riders to wuss out. We were pleasantly surprised that the trail was dry except for the occasional mud hole. Much better than expected!
Highlights of the ride included:
Coondawg riding so fast his shirt sleeves fell off again.
Recon falling into a creek bed (donít use brakes on tree roots)
The cool hill climb that tank almost cleaned..he rocks!
The severed head on a stick on the entrance to suicide.
Those Dam Spokejunkies
Everyone headed down to the dam to indulge in the largest trailgater ever. CoonDawg was taking care of the grill activities while DJ Jazzy Jeff took care of the music. The brownies and cheesy potatoes disappeared faster than Dirt Diggler after receiving his dildo for best Spokejunkie name. The Phillipino Mafia and Bogus brought more corn than a horse could eat in a year. The grill got fired up and Coondawg and Endo oversaw the cooking duties.
At approximately 4:03pm EST there was a left testicle sighted hanging out of a pair of shorts. I'm not gonna mention names but he happens to be the tallest Spokejunkie and his name rhymes with Slogus. Not to be outdone, there was also an anonymous labia sighting. Nothing like a little post ride XXX entertainment. Everyone piled up there old clothes and goodies into The Volunteers of America truck. We almost filled the entire truck. We raised over $150 in cash from the sale of bike parts. Pat yourselves on the back everyone. Then came the awards.
Recon was master of his own ceremony as he handed out all the awards. Grinder gave a tearful speech for the P-whipped award and said that he had never won anything before blah blah blah. Bogus thanked the Academy, his parents, and Jockey for custom making his boxer shorts for that free form feeling. Dirt Diggler turned 8 shades of red as he accepted his 8 inch dildo nailed to a plack covered with dirt. The inscription read "I'm not weird I'm gifted." Dr. Dolittle wasn't there to accept her award as best body part because she felt Fox
Toss It Over
The Huffy toss was next. This was a site that had to be seen to fully enjoy the spectacle. One after another each Spokejunkie took out there frustrations on the over 50 LB Huffy. Powerslide was first and got dizzy in the ensuing Huffy spin and had a weak output of 3 ft. Foxracer was the eventual winner but was later disqualified for drinking Ironton water which contains some sort of performance enhancing bacteria. Everyone got in the action on the Huffy toss...even the ladies. There is nothing sexier than watching a hot babe throw a 50 LB bike let me tell ya. I had to go take a cold shower immediately.
Slow Down Baby
Onto the slow drag, and I donít mean rigid drunk while wearing a dress. The trials crew including Wheelie, Powerslide, and his beanpole friend were warned from the get go that hopping around like a sideshow freak wasnít gonna cut it. When things got rolling, or should I say creeping, the crowed roared. These folks were moving slower than the Russians responding to a waterlogged submarine. Slide was warned several times for doing trackstands, Coondawg was warned to quit leering at the ladies, and Wheelie was told his fly was unzipped. Slowly it came down to Corndog, Tank, and Wheelie, Wheelie reached the line the lasted, that guy has staying power!
The hill climb event was held on the dam. With 6 or 7 riders ready to amaze the crowd Wheelie began the event by displaying the body part he was nominated for. This brought oohs and awes from some of the crowd and caused others to run screaming in terror. At the word go the riders began their lung-burning climb up the dam face. It was very close for most of the race but in the end Beaker won it by a hair. Well maybe in Beakers case I should say by a nose. The race then turned into a downhill with Rick winning after an ankle biting run through the rocks at the base.
The wheelie contest was a show stopper. Senior Wheelie was nominated as judge because he can supposedly keep it up longer than an eighteen year old on Viagra. The odds on favorite was Kilowatt, he tried twice, and was unsuccessful at keeping it up, too bad dude, they have counseling for that. Several others tried, but Rigid, yes our favorite party lush, kept it up the longest. That guy has staying power. Why none of the women tried to get it up is beyond us, maybe next time.
Jillians, the party after.
Funky Powerslide brought along a hot blonde lady who tore up the floor. Check it out, even Wildflower had more than her one drink per hour limit and was cuttiní a rug. The only sober one was Bruiser, and despite a cast, bandaids, poison ivy, and a backboard, she was putting downtown Julie Brown to shame. Recon kept teasing the Michigan ladies with ice cubes on his nipples, in turn Wazoo showed me how to take a mammogram, it was way coolÖshe totally felt me up. Wheelie kept yelling ìand then there was this time in band campî, not sure what that meant. Bogus drank a gallon of beer, two gallons of Vodka, half a pint of Makers Mark, and several long island iced teas, and it didnít phase him..scary. Wendy was a dancing queen after several libations, sheís got serious SJ party gal written all over her.
Recon had a house full of Spokejunkies over the weekend and was trying to impress them. Recon has been practicing the lost art of Tai Chi in his spare time and wanted to prove to them that pain is just a figment of the imagination and can be overcome. He then stuck his arm in a hot pan of grease at which point he shouted several obscenities including "Tai Chi blows." He has now switched to being a Jehovahs' Witness since the only require that he go door to door and try to sell himself..er I mean the principles behind the religion.
Written by Moab, Tucker, and Recon